Today I nearly lost an epic battle with a cold-blooded reptile. In fact, the battle is still raging on as I type. How? Well, let me start from the beginning. WARNING: this is totally raw and uncut and freshly pressed and happening RIGHT NOW.

It’s a normal Saturday afternoon here in Bangalore. All seems decent and well. I had just wished my friend a good exam, her final one of UG! She had a lot of papers and crap in her hands so I told her; go on, I’ll close the door for you. As I close the door, THE DESTROYER FELL ON MY HEAD. I thought it was some debris or something, but when I looked at the ground I was face to face with a reptilian monster. A LIZARD.

I screamed, but choked it in. I didn’t want to alarm her as she left. I panicked like crazy. I thought, I have to kill it before it kills me, but how!? I’ve watched others kill them with ease; but I’m not like others. I could sweep him out the door, but if i miss with the broom he’ll climb the broom then jump on my face and oh God No!! Then survival mode kicked in. I ran to the best weapon I know… Clorox cleanup bleach. I’ve killed many spiders with this back home. Now, I know a lizard is far from a spider, but this was all I could do. I thought about using a shoe, but that requires my body to get too close to it. So Clorox cleanup it was. I don’t even remember going to the bathroom to get it. It’s possible I teleported into the bathroom, grabbed the bleach and teleported back in a nanosecond. I really don’t remember letting that thing out of my sight.

With the Clorox I started spraying that monstrosity like I had a mac 10. Then it started running unpredictably. It ran under the door, I sprayed more, and then it ran back in. omg. Wtf. So I’m spraying like a maniac. Then it did something of an unexpected leap. That’s exactly [one of the many things] what I’m scared of!! At that point I’m spraying and I’m like &*!! @!#@! And it ran under the shoe cabinet. It appeared to slow down, but it didn’t die. Then I’m flashbacking all these things people have been telling me about lizards. “If it touches you, you’ll be poisoned.” “All girls have to learn how to kill them else it will kill you.” “It will drop its tail and pretend to be dead.” I didn’t see the tail dropped, just the stupid lizard wagging around. At this point, I’d bleached pretty much everything in the room trying to kill this sucker. But now we were having a standoff. “It needs more bleach,” I thought. With a clear view under the cabinet, I sprayed more. Lizard runs out, I’m still spraying. Then it takes cover under the vase. I’m thinking, man this thing has to die. It’s him, or me and I can’t go out like this.

I devise a new plan. I’ll freeze it. I turned on the AC blasting. But then I thought to myself, if he gets cold enough, he might run into my room instead, looking for cover. Then I’m really toast. Then I thought I’d burn it. So I fill the teakettle with water and I watch to make sure he doesn’t move. Sneaky thing.

Finally the water is done and I fill up a mug ready to douse this fool. But I realize, again, it requires me to be way too close and his moves can be unpredictable and I’m already dropping this water everywhere making a mess with my trembling hands. Leave it. So I put the mug on the table and go back to plan A. Spray on that fool. And I’m spraying again, about to bleach the brakes off of this thing! And this time it moved slower. Like it might be ready to give up and die.

As I sit here, I’m still watching it. He could be faking a slow death, and I can’t risk him trying to sneak me later.  I don’t have anywhere to be for the next 3 hours. I can wait. No problem. You move, and you’re getting sprayed. As I said, the battle is still on. I’m typing, but I’m watching you.

Secondary problem here will be to clean up all this bleach everywhere before I give myself inhalation poison trying to kill him. 

Oh, you don’t see him?? He’s right here!

And after his final bleaching…. he’s here. And this is what my eyes are affixed to now. 

 

LORD HAVE MERCY! REMEMBER YOU SAID GOOD THINGS FOR ME. GOOD THINGS!