I love giving to others, but when it comes to receiving, I shrivel a bit.  This is because I am exceedingly uncomfortable with receiving. At the root of this discomfort is fear, particularly regarding the following two things.

1. Fear/Anxiety caused by a feeling of indebtedness. Although I’m comfortable giving to people while expecting nothing in return, and giving to those who I know can’t repay me, I fear being in that same position – receiving from others without the ability to repay. While gratitude comes naturally to me, I wonder if I’ll be able to meet a giver’s expectation of proper gratitude. I fear the consequence of encountering some unreasonable expectation of gratitude; that I’lll walk unwittingly into a debt trap. Related to this is the fear that someone will become resentful towards me after giving because they’ve done so out of compulsion. Even God asks us to be cheerful, not resentful givers. “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” (2 Cor 9:7) The idea that my gratitude won’t measure up leaves me feeling inadequate and vulnerable to future “abuse.”
2. Fear of being in a position of complete dependence on people. I was in a situation years ago, alone in a far away land, dependent on someone to help me coordinate my basic needs, and they failed. I learned to be completely dependent on God in that moment (huge growth), but I started to believe that was the only way to make it; just me and my Lord. Since then I’ve refused to consider the fact that God does indeed put dependable people in our path, and we should faithfully trust in His provision, even (especially) when it comes to the people on whom we depend. Rather than trusting Him in this, I decided I’d rather skip needing a person than to deal with the disappointment or want resulting from an unmet need.

By positioning myself exclusively as a giver (or as the elusive receiver) I’ve been walking gingerly, wearing a cast that should have long been removed. There’s nothing loving about nursing your fears; it’s selfish. We know from Paul’s letter to the church in Corinth that love is not selfish. (1 Cor 13:5)  Furthermore, fear itself is a sign of unperfected love. 1 John 4:18 tells us,  “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” Thus in both having these fears and holding strongly to them, I’ve shown myself as kind of unloving, despite my willingness to give. 

Thank God, living with a close community far far from home has stretched me to the point where I’ve had no choice but to face each of these fears head on.

I’ll show you the ways, after the break.